Assuming the world doesn’t end

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I am just going through the motions. My heart isn’t in… anything. I feel numb to all of it. I thought I was experiencing a state of “ennui”, but when I actually looked up that word on Google (a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement), I decided it didn’t actually fit.

There’s a lot going on right now. I work at a nonprofit and am planning our first major in-person event since the pandemic. I turn 30 next week. I’m planning for the holidays with our Friendsgiving celebration this Saturday. It’s all happening…

But the world just feels so heavy. A climate summit that doesn’t do enough. An infrastructure bill passed in the dead of night that doesn’t do enough. A pandemic that won’t quit no matter how much we do.

I think what I’m feeling is a lack of hope.

I’m starting to wonder if any progress can actually be made personally or culturally. Setting goals is challenging when a global pandemic just disrupted everything for two years and a looming climate crisis is on the horizon. In my 20s, I had big goals. But I just don’t believe in the limitless of potential anymore.

The world is heavy. This got dark. But maybe I’ll start thinking about what I want my 30s to look like, you know, assuming the world doesn’t end…

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